She only had one deep sorrow


19. The collapse of that which we build, so that the more we try for the best, the more we ruin, we complicate matters, till we find ourselves in utter confusion, is due to not hearing our heart clearly and trying to guide it ourselves, instead of letting ourselves go freely with all it commands.

Desire should not be judged and evaluated because it is an order from the heart, and when the heart is clear then its voice is also clear. The heart is clear when it does not feel fear, when it can be honest, when it knows how to give without asking, when it forgets itself and lives within the other.

Demaratus has not one moment of joy;
for  what he feels is not joy
(it is not; he will not admit it;
how can he call it joy? his misery has reached its peak).

For as long as man goes against his self, sorrow will dwell within him, because unity always brings harmony, while sorrow withers the germinating seed before it is even born.

Sorrow's sanctuary is the earth.

Inertia is always a trap of the lower self, and can often use some problems that do indeed exist as an alibi. If we do not take action in time in order to restore the balance, if we do not move before the roads of return to life have been lost, before we completely sink into the feeling of sorrow, solitude and the feeling of vanity, then, one side of the self only is capable of disrupting the complete whole:


… My life is cold
and colourless, and cruel.
End and fall everywhere. Dins of tireless battle,
groans buzz around me – and I conclude that
each hour of mine wounds; the final one slays.


That each hour of his wounds; the final one slays, also concluded a great soul, Mister Theofilos Palaeologos, when in his despair, in his agony, reached the point of saying "I'd rather die than live". No matter how much deep sorrow, exhaustion and weariness from injustices and persecution his five tragic words may contain, man should not let himself roll into the darkness of non-existence, expose himself to ultimate peril.

When we seek to escape from this life, it is as if we refuse the task we have undertaken to carry out. At that moment we identify the present with eternity, and deny Eternity in favour of the moment.

With our violent withdrawal from the earth, we immobilize ourselves in "hell", meaning we entrap ourselves eternally in the thought out of which we wished to escape; and at some point in time we shall apparently be called upon to resurrect the life which we denied and interrupted, and to love it. The abolition of such a choice from a previous incarnation usually entails painful exercises. It is not a matter of a "pay back" or a compulsory punishment, or anything of that kind. Simply, the only way to be led to happiness is to dissolve all fears of all things; and that which leads man to his willing death is the fear for life, the fear that "there is no happiness any more".

Is this peak an optical illusion? Is it an immaterial stage-design made to fool the wretched travellers?

But it always continues. It does not want to sit and rest so as not to waste time To go back it neither has the power, nor the inclination.

Therefore, even at these painful moments, when the soul is confused and paralyzed and the sigh covers even the brightest sun, man ought to choose Life. And this practically means that he puts the feeling of total futility in opposition to the initiative of the soul for some new course, some new interest. It is not important whether he dominates the feeling at the specific instant. Meaning movement towards Life is also when he continues to feel despair within himself, but he decides - enduring injuries and pains – to move in a certain direction. Death is immobilization. Hence, the feeling does not determine the result, but will does. Submitting the feeling is irrelevant to the lesson of the soul.       
Unhappiness is not the point of the issue, that is why we simply go through experiences of mental anguish, which, however, are not decisive and catastrophic. We should not, on our part, identify with the periods of crisis, but should disengage and should know that we have just made one more step on the way by His side. Sometimes we become reactionary because we do not know the workings of the Laws. We suspect it through His words but we do not know it; nor are we able to do so.

The poison is always of a dosage capable of shaking us, but powerless to turn us around. No lesson transcends our powers, no pain can crush us if we do not allow it to do so. Only our self can pin us down, exercises always come in order to take us further forward.

That is why man should turn away profane images, which wound each hour of his, while there is still time, while in his heart still palpitates / a dear hope. Being occupied with earthly matters is sometimes a bitter and hard duty, yet unavoidable. This life is not destined for rest, but for deeds; rest will come later, when the present is certain. People of God are here in order to work, and not live a beautiful life – something which after all belongs to another Time-Space. That is why they do not seek the route of "bliss" and certainty in their earthly present. Nobody ever knew happiness / pure, and long life, and wealth, and wisdom / without base sweat, or servile work.

20. Demaratus, just like Mister Theofilus Palaeologus, both knew the cause of their pain. But there are people, like Anna Comnena, who are not ready to dig up the layers of their subconscious yet, in order to seek the truth behind the pain. Therefore, they travel disoriented, as they are afraid to face the side of their self, which emerges. How the pages of her history pulsate with emotion and agitation, in which she laments for her widowhood, that haughty Greek woman, in reality, though, she laments that she did not manage to acquire the Kingship …

For someone to suffer in his life is selfish. It means that he still moves only around his self, repaying old debts. And he will not be able to come out of his fortress if he does not realize everything that conceals it; he will continue to walk in the insecurity he himself cultivates, without, however, realizing it.

It is, therefore, necessary to look at his fear face to face, without evasion and distortion. It is not bad to admit our fear, even though we may think that logically it is foolish, on the contrary, putting boundaries around it with specific parameters, will help us face it in its precise dimensions. Because we are our own doctors, we must make the most accurate diagnosis before we move on to a therapeutic treatment. And of course being ashamed of our illness does not help its cure at all.

In the prologue of her Alexiad,
Anna Comnena laments her widowhood.

Her soul is in a state of dizziness. "And
with rivulets of tears", she tells us, "My eyes
well up … (…)".  Anguish burns her,
"to her bones and her marrow and the rending of her soul".

But the truth seems to be that she knew only one
crucial sorrow, this power-loving woman;
She only had one deep sorrow
(and even if she doesn't admit it) that haughty Greek woman,
that she didn't manage, for all  her dexterity,
to acquire the Kingship; instead it was snatched
almost out of her hands by the impertinent John.

It is finally so clear that as soon as someone recognizes and comprehends within himself the true causes, which created the pain, when he confesses the truth to himself, the conditions which had created the external sheath of the facts are abolished of their own accord.

As long as our body is material, pain will accompany knowledge. People's thought interprets pain negatively. The other dimension, however, gives pain the texture of a gift.

God has appointed that we give birth to our children in pain, and that has a symbolic meaning. Woman-Eve is the soul of man, his creative ability and breath, the spirit that distinguishes him from other stages of creation which do not have the ability to create. And this birth must be given with mental anguish, with labour and spiritual pain.

Man must go through the turmoil and hardship which we all know, in order to culminate in the discovery of wisdom, not an initial discovery, because he already knows, but a discovery through the paths of the oblivion of consciousness. This is the only way God has appointed for his people to return to paradise.

The most difficult thing for man is to manage not to confuse the Truth with the conditions of the trial, so as not to stumble into errors and come up with unfair disappointments. The generalization of the partial and the transitory can lead to greatly going astray, because it gives weight to a conclusion that is not based on catholicity. For man to learn to distinguish the transitory from the permanent, the secondary from the primary is an internal virtue which is ensured by sober judgment, patience, right thinking. For someone to attribute "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's", it is necessary for his evolution on the way of Cosmic Harmony.

There are many ways for us to be happy, as long as we ourselves do not lay boundaries and limitations. If we name happiness as a small symbol, then it is difficult to find it. But if we broaden the boundaries of the whole, then we find the capability of being happy, every moment and under any circumstances. As we said, pain has only occasional on the spot usefulness, in order to prompt us to action. Other than that, we should abolish it.

Rest and reward will succeed action.

The struggle that presents great difficulties is the one that names the champion. The boundaries are nowhere predetermined and toil always corresponds to the trophy.

Steps in the night are invisible; but just after dawn, the whole road that has been traveled is revealed. In life the sun rises when the voice of inertia silences, when the soul bravely decides to confront the fighters of Darkness. And the battle is not over, before the cycle returns to its start. Fleeing from the battle is not the practice of the virtuous workers, of the true Warriors of God's Love. And the result has not been judged, before the dust has settled. Whoever is found there, goes on without being disappointed or involved with premature and inappropriate conclusions. Besides, conclusions belong to History – while he belongs to Life.

He, who is walking up the mountain, cannot view it from above.

Paradise is here, in the present, in every moment. Difficulties let us say, are from the outside. We from within should react having joy as a target. Let us use pain as an indication of a forthcoming lesson and let us become critical of that which comes to us. If we deem that we want something, we keep it. Otherwise, we let it go. At some point, this will happen automatically but, finally, we can always choose happiness.

People, who rejoice with hidden selfishness when they are tormented, are far from the meaning of this Life, which is eternal. The leveling of the self means idleness of creation and deadening, and under the veneer of the elimination of selfishness, dark forces interfere with our task. The most important thing is that these people cannot receive help, no matter how persistently they may ask for it, because their plea is not true, but a disguised intention of theft.

But it's futile, of no avail
so much
lamentation in an afflicted city;
unfavourable destiny turns a deaf ear.

Pain, when not dealt with in its true dimensions, i.e. as a means of training the soul, becomes a drug for the people who do not have the courage to desire and seek Creation.

The storm waters the soil for grass to sprout even greener and brighter in the sun. Nothing remains the same, and evil is just a change of phase, a stop off point in the eternal bright way. God is always near us in power and in weakness, in victory and in defeat, in light and in darkness.

21. Incarnated man who has returned to earth in order to complete himself wears the cloak of weakness, fear and vulnerable character. That is why he stumbles into errors and is devastated by great temptation. In his effort to negate every chillsome influence, and his fervent desire to find that spiritual matter - the immaterial forms of energy - with which he will feed his ethereal bodies, his foot will slip on thorns many times. But he must reveal the serpent, bite the apple, because that is the way earthly thisness commands, and forgive himself by working in the way of Good. The earthly world is a plane of battle.

Many daily climb the rugged mountain on which so many Loves slow down and tire and faint and perish. Down at the foot of the mountain how joyful, powerful and healthy Love is, and with so much desire it sees the grass on the top and is thirsty to climb up there and live, happy - there where the sun will be warmer and the air clearer.

 The way at the beginning of the ascent is very smooth, and they are deceived and go ahead half way. But here little by little it becomes rough. It has big sharp stones everywhere. It has steep paths. And Love begins to tire, to pant and turn pale.

It is then that in the House of the Soul the Passions run undisturbed: fears which have been covered up for a long time, desires which were dressed in mourning within himself, strong internal forces, materials of explosive power. These big sharp stones constitute the opposite material force in our spiritual inclination and produce a negative result in our life.


He swears every so often to start a better life.
But when the night comes with its own counsel,
its compromises, and its promises;
but when the night comes with its own power
of the body that craves and demands, to the same
fatal joy, lost, he goes again.

People who work on the surface, because they are afraid to reach the bottom, and create alibis, that they supposedly work as much as they should, easily criticize he who lives in a cheerful feast, where he gets drunk, forgets and adorns himself, and rejoices, / and despises the tyrant sun; he who does not manage to keep his promise and to the same fatal joy, lost, he goes again. Here, however, criticism has no place, but praise does; praise to those who bend in front of the truth; because the flexibility of the soul is a sign of commencement. The person, who swears to start a better life, has just started to unfold a thread of spiritual life; because even though the Passions / rule all the chambers of his soul, / from the door of his house to its innermost depths, the memory of the target of his liberation from Matter emerges within himself at the same time. This person has accepted to start a painful course that will lead him to self-knowledge. He has realized that he has to curb the passions which prevent knowledge from coming to light.

As our Master O.M. Aivanhov says, our passions neither get uprooted nor effaced: as on the physical plane we inject a vaccine into our body, a small, infinitesimal dose of a germ, necessary to strengthen us, likewise in the spiritual plane, Good draws from these powerful sources which we carry within ourselves and transforms them for its own strengthening. Our Self draws from primitive, unrefined energies – "washes away our sins", like Jesus symbolically did with the "sinners" – and transforms them into love, light and spirituality. That is why He advises not to uproot the weeds, because we shall uproot the wheat together with them but, on the contrary, wait until harvesting in order to separate them.

The need to make a decision denotes exactly the opposite, that the decision is not obvious. 

Henceforth mind, work as well as you can.-
Half an enjoyment is wearing him down.
He is in an irritated state.
And he is worn down, and totally irritated.
Besides he is idle; and that makes things worse.
And then he drinks and smokes; drinks and smokes;
and drags the languor of his beauty with boredom.-
Henceforth mind, work as well as you can.  

Passion reminds us that there is a "self" we are afraid of and want to avoid. We should not therefore compete with our own self, but on the contrary we must let it enter the side we feel intolerable and naturally do not want to allow to show itself. So long as we do not allow it to do so, situations will appear, which will remind us that it is there. The universe will be giving "opportunities", will be creating the appropriate circumstances in order to work exactly on that and help us find Life and our Self.

It is also ours, like a wounded or scarred limb, and we must accept it and love it, include it in the unity of our self. So, let us work non-dependence consciously and with alertness. Let us be prepared for the specific side and let it live. Whenever the old feeling appears, let us not fight it to make it disappear, but let us accept it with love. Let us bring our self into the position which we fight to abolish, and let us experience it with courage. We shall begin to see that nothing is as threatening as we name it or determine it to be.

Let us use all the means we have at our disposal (readings of Masters, books, thinking, friends) in order to face these crises mechanistically, until knowledge is instilled within us and we adopt it completely. This needs time and sufficient repetitions, therefore we should not deny the trials that will free us even sooner, but on the contrary we should welcome every repetition that leads us to success. We should not ask our self to cope without help, because that means on the one hand self-underestimation and on the other selfishness.

22. If the present torments us let us remember that it carries an extra heavy past on its back; we should think that it is a burden of centuries and that we already manage quite well: and this is the beginning towards the direction of the liberation from its threat.


The years of my youth, my sensual life –
how plainly I see their meaning now.

What needless repentances, how futile …

But I didn't grasp the meaning then.

In the dissolute life of my youth
the volition of my poetry took shape,
the realm of my art was designed.

That's why repentances were never stable.
And my resolutions to restrain myself, to change,
lasted for two weeks at the very most.

Nothing stops when its cycle of existence has not been completed. So, let us not hurry to shake off a situation or, the opposite, let us not be afraid that we will not have time to bring it to completion, because when the necessity is over – when we have internally completed the course of the soul that is necessary – the way vanishes by itself.

We should not stop when night encircles us; it is only one night and morning will dawn in a while. Night also helps us learn to trust our feet while our eyes cannot check the way. Night also helps us learn that we must not move all the time, because in life we do not constantly have the same rhythm. And moreover that we must not trust only what we see, because the eyes see as much as the light allows them to. Let us remember, therefore, that we see what the Light permits us to see, but we must also trust what the Night temporarily hides from our eyes.

Evil does not exist anywhere in reality. Fear creates hallucinations which nestle agreeably in the Night, and people are misled into connecting hallucinations and ghosts with the Night. The truth, though, is that whatever is not visible exists exactly where it was, when it was visible; because the invisible is present and real for all those who know the places.

I do not know whether perversion gives power. Sometimes I think so. But for sure it is the source of greatness.

The grand masterpiece starts from foundations hidden inside the earth, great height is owed to vast depth, so that is where we must look for the beginning of our task. He who digs deeply within himself and reorganizes the subsoil of his soul in such a way, so as to endure shouldering the height of creation in the future, will produce a sublime piece of work. Every superb sculpture starts from the selection of the stone.

He, who loves Life, welcomes all its sides. Throws the good seed wherever he can, but also trusts the rain that will fertilize it. Each time he hurts, he quickly disconnects from self-rejection and guilt and does not identify with the now, which simply constitutes a link in an enormous chain.

Only then should he control his steps, when he feels that his development has stopped. Then it means that he has to allow his heart to speak to him about the course of Life. While he is walking on it he should not be concerned about anything but that, and not with untimely and superficial evaluations.

(…) it is as if we were asking from a man who has lived a long life, full of action and intensely productive, to have stayed away from every adventure, to never have gone on a binge, never have been mixed up in the most unlikely, the most foreign elements to him. Perhaps even this getting involved of his might have contributed to his vitality.

We should not judge people according to their behaviour, because this is something deceptive. A behaviour may be incited by conscious or subconscious reasons, but the main thing is that what we receive is not what really exists. Each time, incarnated man is essentially only one realization of certain elements of his Self, sometimes he also even bears elements which do not belong to Him permanently, on grounds of expediency.

This man stops being pleased with ignorance – golden silence, which he imposes on his subconscious out of fear for the destructive action, but gives the fight with his material existence.

Absinthe, datura  and hypoceme,
aconite, hellebore, and hemlock –
all the bitters and the poisons –
their leaves and terrible flowers will give
for the great bouquets to be made
that will be placed on the bright altar –
ah, the splendid altar of Malachite stone –
of the dreadful and sublime Passion.