17. "Looking for the love of my life"
or when the escape becomes the prison ...
 

When I realised the futility of "strong" feelings, I came to function impulsively, believing in nothing ... At least for me, from the emotional point of view, this was the most peculiar period.

I was given strong emotions at a time of continuous questioning. It was then that I let my body work without tiring my mind ... I wanted to punish my romanticism and my difficulty to forget what I thought betrayed me...

In fact, it was me that had the problem, but I wanted to transfer it. Though soon whatever I did came back upon me, spoiling even those "authentic", as I called them, moments. My escape became a prison since it didn't offer me peace. And peace needed time to return, as I know now, and not a sexual relief that lasted for such a short time as to lead me astray into wrong assessments.

Now what came over me and I dived into self-analysis? It's that I love you and only then can I "confess" and perhaps be appeased ...

I'm left with this animal magnetism, which literally devoured me ... It was the era of instinct, which led me astray to believe that some secretly charged moments,  could mean that I live a great love! Nonsense. Love needs everything ...

This was just an understanding of the body, which had never tried anything similar. Life is a constant delusion ... Even what I'm writing is a time delusion. Everything changes at any moment ... this is commonly known. Who told you that what I feel now is valid? Certainly, cautious moves almost always save you from certain disappointment.