32. My tolerance seemed like a weakness


If you ask me "what I want" I don't know how to respond. Not only now, this very moment, but I never knew what I actually wanted ... So, what do I want then? Surely, all I want is only "feelings", nothing that can be described, shaped, materialized. What I miss is feelings, not forms, people, concrete situations. It's always been like this, it's just that it was blurred and filled me with guilt about my immature nature. Everybody stated specifically what they wanted, as for me, to be honest, I could never put my desires into words.

How strange ... Now this "guilt" has just been straightened out within myself ... what I wanted, how can I illustrate it? How does one illustrate serenity, peace, love? What do you want? I was frequently asked ... and I was embarrassed because I didn't want anything that others were able to understand. And I kept silent ... and I was ashamed that I couldn't put into words what I actually wanted ...  and I thought I was inferior compared to those who described places, people, things.

I often felt different, like when I couldn't hate those who really did me wrong ... since then I have felt distant from feelings capable of eroding me ...  unconsciously, of course, but I took care of myself a lot better than others thought ... my tolerance seemed like a weakness, but this was my greatest strength. But, how many times did I feel guilty about this too? I have been very angry in my life ... I've also disagreed a lot ... all this lasts for a short while.

What takes a long time to leave the soul is sadness ... A permanent sadness which I carried with me on earth, perhaps because of the intuition regarding the events that followed in my life. What can I say ... I repeat, for as long as I can remember, I have been a deeply melancholic person.