38. When one's courage is pushed to the limit ...

 
While reading the book, "Nine Faces of Christ: Quest of the True Initiate "* I keep on wondering where the truth lies ... if one thinks how hard it is for someone to "earn" initiation, he feels the difficulty of the life we are living. I don't really know whether what we're experiencing is the "initiation". But it should be so, because what's the purpose of the exercises otherwise? In the "first classes of the school", where you placed me, everything seemed beautiful, easy, understandable ... Now it's as if I am back in kindergarten ... and again it seems hard to me ...
 

During this period I'm tired without any particular reason ... I often think that I don't have any more courage ... sometimes I feel bored ... I don't find any meaning ... any purpose to go on. Fortunately, it also passes and once again I struggle to get somewhere. Get where? When? No one, apart from you can understand. No one else can understand how pointless my anguish is. Escape is the word that dominates the mind when, for a moment, you get to know your absolute solitude.

 

Yet, I continue even though I often become disappointed ... Huh ... I don't recognize myself ... What is really happening? This is a complaint and where can I lodge it? A complaint against everyone ... against everything ... a complaint against the ignorance of knowledge ...

 

This book, as it's so very descriptive, shows me some of the anxieties of the journey of Christ being very familiar to me ... please, forgive me God for this correlation ... perhaps it's an exaggeration, but if someone considers how unready our nature is, perhaps a little comparison may arise.

 

* Eugene E. Whitworth, "Nine Faces of Christ: Quest of the True Initiate"